Many millennials are at the peak of their careers, but they are also balancing young children and aging parents living longer than any generation before. They are tackling math homework and medical bills at the kitchen table. They are carving out time for school plays and specialized medical appointments in their already packed schedules.
These caregivers are aptly named the “sandwich generation,” says Asha Tarry, psychotherapist and founder of Care for Caregivers. “They are doing everything they can to be in their parents’ lives, to be there for their kids, and to excel in their work.”
The biggest stressor for the sandwich generation
The current system is not designed to enable working middle-class families to take on this financial strain. For example, it offers a child tax credit but not an aging caregiver tax credit. End-of-life expenses financially strap families and their loved ones living on fixed incomes.
“When I worked for a healthcare agency, my conversations with seniors often amounted to whether to pay out of pocket for the medication they needed or to buy groceries,” recalls Tarry. “People falsely assume seniors can apply for a federally funded healthcare program like Medicaid to receive home care from a service provider. First, they must spend all of their money and reallocate all their assets to be poor enough to qualify. It’s horribly frustrating.”
The familiar scenario Tarry describes is a lose/lose situation. When seniors do not have resources, they become vulnerable to declining quality of life. When they do have resources, their families cannot afford to pay for home services from their fixed income.
Practical tips for navigating the sandwich generation
Tarry continually advises caregivers in the sandwich generation to use where they are to get where they want to be. “If you’re working, tap into your health benefits, speak to your HR representative, and access a financial advisor through your job or bank. A free monthly appointment with a financial advisor can set you up for success, and those services are readily available.”
Next, Tarry advises caregivers to be bold about asking questions. “Before beginning my caregiving journey, I didn’t have a clue about estate plans and trusts. I pushed myself past the shame and asked questions. Now I’m well versed in the topic and tell my friends about it.”
Many employee caregivers have protections against burnout they do not even know to access. When employers onboard young employees, they often fail to mention these benefits because they seem inapplicable. Ten years into their career, however, those employees are in a different stage of life. Some desperately need benefits that enable them to leverage time away from work and continue to support their family.
“I often speak with clients struggling with workplace burnout and career pivots,” Tarry notes. “When I ask about their available family and medical leave, or FMLA, many don’t know they’re federally entitled to benefits helping them care for an aging loved one, a new child, or themselves. They have no idea that legislation protects their job for up to 12 weeks so they can take the time they need and have their position waiting when they return.”
Finally, while middle-income earners in the sandwich generation may not find the perfect work/life balance, they can take steps to minimize recurring burnout. In group coaching sessions through Care for Caregivers, Tarry advises clients to do this by finding pockets of pleasure.
“When people are working to repair the emotional wounds caused by trauma, they need to make time for meaningful activities that rejuvenate their spirit and recharge their energy,” Tarry explains. “Those pockets of pleasure may involve dancing, sleeping, laughing, hiking, or traveling. Do whatever enables you to make decisions effectively and tune into your mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual health. Realistic expectations allow you to do some of the things you love while caring for the people you love.”
Resources and supports available to the sandwich generation
Tarry highly recommends group therapy to caregivers in the sandwich generation. It is a low-cost resource and often free.
Organizations like the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI) offer free virtual and in-person sessions for people giving care to someone with depression, or other mental illness. These sessions are facilitated by skilled social workers and scheduled when working caregivers can attend. The drop-in format enables busy caregivers to come in and obtain resources whenever possible.
Tarry also recommends that caregivers use their professional health providers as a resource. “Ask professionals about the resources associated with the disorder or illness your loved one has,” she says. “If you’re caring for a little with autism, your pediatrician may be able to recommend school or community-based programs. If you’re caring for a loved one who has Alzheimer’s, the Alzheimer’s Association and the AARP can help you find Meals on Wheels programs, transportation services, support groups, and grief counseling.”
Finally, Tarry says caregivers in the sandwich generation must become their own best resource. They need to ask for time off work and friends to sit in with loved ones so they can make time for their own wellness appointments. During that wellness visit, they need to advocate for their needs and inform their provider about certain concerns in their life.
“Caring for someone new to life and someone experiencing the end of life gives them a unique perspective,” Tarry concludes. “Every generation can influence the next in wonderful ways. Caregiving is challenging but also quite beautiful.”
